“When sex becomes a production or performance that is when it loses its value. Be mutual. Be loud. Be clumsy. Make noises, be quiet, and make a mess. Bite, scratch, push, pull, hold, thrust. Remove pressure from the moment. Love the moment. Embrace it. Enjoy your body; enjoy your partners’ body. Produce sweat, be natural, entice your senses, give into pleasure. Bump heads, miss when you kiss, laugh when it happens. Speak words, speak with your body, speak to their soul. Touch their skin, kiss their goose bumps, and play with their hair. Scream, beg, whimper, sigh, let your toes curl, lose yourself. Chase your breath; keep the lights on, watch their eyes when they explode. Forget worrying about extra skin, sizes of parts and things that are meaningless. Save the expectations, take each second as it comes. Smear your make up, mess up your hair, rid your masculinity, and lose your ego. Detonate together, collapse together, and melt into each other.”—(via iamhelterskelter)
One week till my 20th birthday and I have this feeling no one will remember.
None of my friends will put thought into a gift like I try to do. Not that I want anything but its like no one cares.
I probably wont have a party because everyone is too busy or has better things to do. Or they wont want to spend money to go to fright night or anything.
So I’ll most likely be alone for my 20th.
Im just so fucking sick of everything and everyone.
I’m so sick of everything in my life turning to shit. I’m sick of everyone walking out on me. I’m sick of being alone. What the hell did I do to deserve this loneliness? Why have all my “friends” turned their backs on me when I was always there for them? Why am I still always there for them even after not talking for months or years? Why is it the one person that makes me happiest is gone? The one person I love and shared the fireworks with who loves me even if it’s forbidden, won’t talk to me.
Silence is the worst pain I have ever felt. Silence is all I’ve come to know and silence is the only thing that is consistent in my life.
I want to break thw silence. I want my old life back when I was happy and myself. This person here and now I do not recognize. I’ve become a stranger to myself.
And it all started with the silence.
The one person I can’t stop thinking about for more than .001 second is the one person I can’t talk to. Not for lack of trying but because I’m obviously not worth talking to anymore for reasons I don’t know. It’s killing me. All I want to do is cry but can’t because people would ask questions that I can’t answer. This relationship was secret and long distance; in other words it was set up for failure from the start. I think I know whats going on because of happened before and we will see each other again someday. Until then, I’ll be here. Feeling like this.
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says ‘No, you are beautiful.’
I wonder why I cannot be both.
He kisses me
My college theater professor once told me
that despite my talent,
I would never be cast as a romantic lead.
We do plays that involve singing animals
and children with the ability to fly,
but apparently no one
has enough willing suspension of disbelief
to go with anyone loving a fat girl.
I daydream regularly
about fucking my boyfriend vigorously on his front lawn.
On the mornings I do not feel pretty,
while he is still asleep,
I sit on the floor and check the pockets of his skinny jeans for motive,
for a punchline,
for other girls’ phone numbers.
When we hold hands in public,
I wonder if he notices the looks —
like he is handling a parade balloon on a crowded sidewalk;
if he notices that my hands are now made of rope.
Dear Cosmo: Fuck you.
I will not take sex tips from you
on how to please a man you think I do not deserve.
He tells me he loves me with the lights on.
I can cup his hip bone in my hand,
feel his ribs without pressing very hard at all.
He does not believe me when I tell him he is beautiful.
Sometimes I fear the day he does will be the day he leaves.
The cute hipster girl at the coffee shop
assumes we are just friends
and flirts over the counter.
I spend the next two weeks
mentally replacing myself with her
in all of our photographs.
When I admit this to him
we spend the evening taking new photos together.
He will not let me delete a single one of them.
The phrase “Big girls need love too” can die in a fire.
Fucking me does not require an asterisk.
Loving me is not a fetish.
Finding me beautiful is not a novelty.
I am not a fucking novelty.
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says, ‘No. You are so much more’,
and kisses me
I keep thinking about the guy I can’t help but love, thinking about what I should do, life and my friends. When I finally realize that I’m the one who is never included in group plans. That rarely ever is invited to anything with more than one person. The one who wants to meet new people and every single time I put myself out there someone puts me down and ends up pushing me down lower and makes me feel even worse than before. I’m the person who always puts on a fake smile and tries to make everyone else feel better. I’m always here for everyone but I feel like I’m always forgotten or left alone when I need someone most.
It’s messed up and I’m sick of it.
Then again, maybe its my own fault. I don’t talk about it because I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems. I keep to myself and stay quiet because that’s who I am most of the time. I would have never even thought of doing this post but I’m at the point of just saying screw it, no one will probably read it anyways.
lets do a thing. reblog and add your city and country. if it's already there, don't add it again. lets take a look at tumblr's diversity
University Place, USA
Los Angeles, USA
New Orleans, USA
Dungannon, Northern Ireland
Goirle, the Netherlands
Mexico city, Mexico
Hong Kong, China
Jersey City, USA
I’m tired of this guessing game. I just want to know what he is thinking and if I’m the only one losing my mind. Distance between two people who love each other is hard enough without the other complications we have. It is impossible to go on this way but neither of us can let go just yet. I just need to be by him. See him for a minute. Hear his voice and imagine him here. Its as if nothing else even matters. Life seems so dull. So surreal. I need him back. I never believed it could actually hurt to miss someone this much.